This hiatus did not unfold the way that I had envisioned. Not even close. I knew we needed to hit the reset button. This was my expectation, based on history, … we go through withdrawal, some aches & pains, then we eventually find our way back to each other… as a family, as a couple. That was my intention, for us to find our way… and we did. But this time, it took a lot longer than usual, with a lot more fighting. Not fighting as in ‘someone is grumpy or catches an attitude’ fighting, but more like ‘all out, in the street, yelling in front of the neighbors, on Thanksgiving Day’, fighting. I spent Thanksgiving alone, with only my thoughts and Coltrane to keep me company.
Don’t feel bad for me. It didn’t feel like it at the time, but in hindsight, it was necessary. It was a reset button. Not the one I wanted, but a reset nonetheless.
Apparently, I was becoming angry all the time. And I didn’t even know it. But I listened, and I made a change. OK, that’s a lie. The truth is, I threw a tantrum and said “I give up! I wash my hands of everything!”
And I totally did. (Well, as much as I could.) I left Papa in charge of all things. My intention was to teach them all a lesson. My expectation was that they’d all be falling to their knees, apologizing for taking me for granted, realizing just how much I do around here, begging me to give a crap because they so desperately needed me. But that’s not what happened.
What happened was that they not only survived without me, they thrived.
Ya know, it kinda pisses me off that Papa manages to do more homeschooling in a day, off the cuff, than I am able to do in a week with all the planning I do! Grrrr! But that’s neither here nor there; the point was that they didn’t need me at all. Things weren’t done how or when I normally liked, but they were done. At the end of the day, no one was injured, and the house didn’t burn to the ground. So what am I here for?
I guess that’s the beauty of it. If I were to go tomorrow, I know that I have done my best to ensure that my family could go on without me. They can take care of each other just fine. Better than fine, actually. And that makes me feel secure.
© Monika Wisniewska
A lot of good things came out of the last several weeks – a second Thanksgiving, with our neighbors. A decision to let go of Christmas once and for all, with our own family holiday, of sorts, in the works. A deeper understanding, communication, compromises, connections, and kindness. A steady pace, a rhythm, the music of our family… unique, intangible music only heard when we are all playing our individual melodies that contribute to the harmony of our home and family. My intention was for our family to find that music, our song. My expectation was that it would be simple. But it wasn’t.
Despite all my honorable intentions and expectations, things didn’t unfold, they unraveled again. Life is crazy at times, heck, I’m crazy at times… but no matter how chaotic it gets, or how far from my intentions and expectations we travel, if I can still hear that music, our music in the background, I know we’ll find our way.
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It’s so funny how our “lessons” end up being lessons to ourselves. Welcome back. I, for one, missed you.
Jennifer recently posted..Letting Go Of Time
Yes, its funny AND annoying! lol!
And thank you, Jennifer, I’ve missed you too! Can’t wait to catch up on your life as The Deliberate Mom! ;0
Good for you. I often thinking about throwing my hands up…life gets so complicated sometimes. Glad that you are feeling better.
angie recently posted..Fun with Chemistry
Thanks so much, Angie! Yes, life does get complicated at times, which is why I feel so strongly about simplifying it as much as possible. I have learned that it happens in layers for us, instead of all at once. But I am so enjoying the process. The less “stuff” (including mental stuff) weighing us down, the lighter & happier & more spontaneous we feel!
Wow. Great post. I’m glad to see a happy ending!
Kristi recently posted..Why waking up at 5am hasn’t sucked lately
Thank you Kristi!
my husband can keep all 4 kids, rearrange the furniture, do all the laundry, paintm have school and take them on a walk. Makes me so mad….
LOL! Sarah, you crack me up! “makes me so mad…” hee! hee!
Your strength never ceases to amaze me. No matter what hits you, in the end you find the most wonderful perspective on things and I admire that.
Oh gosh, I don’t know that its strength – its more like insanity, I think! I do get down, but you’re right – in the end I always do see the lesson I can personally learn from it all. It’s not about right or wrong, its about personal responsibility.
When I was growing up, it always bothered me that my mother would say to me “well, what did you do? what could you have done differently?” when all I wanted was for her to take my side. But as an adult, I see how valuable that was because I don’t feel like the problem always lies in everyone and everything else, that the solution is out of my hands. I always think in terms of “what can I do to make this better?” Its empowering, really… It might take me awhile to get there, like it did this time, but I always eventually do.
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