The truth is, I had been looking forward to this summer for a really, really long time.  A lot has happened since I saw my mother last.  In just 2 years, I began homeschooling, started this blog, and birthed a baby girl.  And those are just the big things… let alone the magically mundane moments that memories are made of.

The truth is, it has always been my dream to have our family’s life intertwined with my parent’s.  But life didn’t unfold that way, and I haven’t been able to make it happen…  Yet.

And so when my mom announced she’d be spending this summer here, well… the ideas (as you can imagine)!!! …   I planned, and negotiated, and arranged for us to make the most of every precious moment with her.  I envisioned us listening, laughing, and learning… cooking, creating and conversing… splashing, sewing, and savoring… and simply unwinding.

But we didn’t unwind.

We unraveled.

And so while I’ve been neglecting this blog, I have been attending to my life.

Mostly, I have been…

Gathering…

I’ve been gathering… the strength to face the person who caused the gestation period that birthed this blog.  To finally tell that person how their actions affected me & my family and how I view myself & my life.  But also to say “I still love you…”

…the wherewithal to conquer my ocd, maybe once and for all, by dealing with the underlying issues that caused it in the first place.

I’ve been gathering… the humility to apologize to my friend, my soul sister… to admit that I was wrong, that I took her for granted, and that I miss her presence in my life.

…the mental and physical energy and stamina to make this be the last time I withdraw from my own life, both real and virtual.

I’ve been gathering… the courage to ask myself the really hard questions, and to ask Papa to do the same for himself.

… the gumption to stand up for myself, even if it means that everything I thought would be in my future will change.  Even if it means that I’ll have to endure life-long regret.

I’ve been gathering… reasons instead of excuses, and the willpower to finally re-invest time and energy into myself, first and foremost.

… the motivation to put into practice what I preach to others.

I’ve also been gathering… with like minded people who believe that “voting with your dollars” is more than just a phrase, and that the choices we make as consumers have a quantifiable impact in the way the world works.

You see that I’ve been gathering… supplies – like fabric, thread, baby patterns, and (OMGosh!!!) a new sewing machine.

And because of all of this, things around here have been gathering… dust.  And not just the books I had planned to read, or the felt friends I had planned to make as gifts.

but my {ideas}

and intentions

and inspiration

Ultimately, after all this “gathering“, I have once again come to the conclusion that all of this is of no consequence when what really matters most to me is Gathering with the people I love. The people that make life meaningful, whose mere presence in my life are enriching and fulfilling.

I am truly sorry… please believe that I am learning how to gather myself without disappearing and hurting you in the process…

This post is dedicated to all the people in my life that I LOVE with all my heart… you know who you are… thank you for your unconditional love and support…

Tagged as: OCD, On My ♥