They say that “the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem”. But here’s the thing – I do admit I have a problem, and I know what I should & need to do in order to get better. But for me, “knowing isn’t half the battle“, OCD is.
I confessed; I can’t deny I’m depressed. I mean, half the time I’m crying I have absolutely no idea what I’m sad about. But I don’t ever feel anything but love for her. I enjoy the crap out of her. Her cries never irritate or overwhelm me. I don’t feel exhausted. Tired? Yes, but not exhausted, so its not even that. But I know I have postpartum depression; I just didn’t realize that it could manifest in different ways.
And although I truly appreciate the advice coming to me at this time, I already know what I ought to do. I already know that investing time in myself is what I need. I’m always at my best when I make my Hour of Power a priority, eat and exercise for optimal health, write in my journal, get out of house, etc. And “when you know better, you do better” so I should just do it, right?
Unfortunately, my brain doesn’t work that way. For me, if something happens (a “trigger”), my automatic coping mechanism is to withdraw from life. I withdraw because I don’t want to talk about it, and I’m self-aware enough to know that I’m a disaster at hiding my state of mind. But mostly its because I have a dirty little secret – OCD. I don’t want anyone to know how nuts I am so I just disappear. When I’m hibernating, that’s what I’m doing – OCDing. That’s how I’ve coped, as far back as I can remember.
Ocd is ever-present and always needs mental managing, but a trigger will make it go into overdrive where it actually has an obvious & negative impact on my life & relationships.
And that’s where I am right now. There are so many ducks that need to be aligned before I can even think about doing all those things I know I should & need to do! And the thing is, those ducks have absolutely nothing to do with the task at hand! Its like “How can I go for a walk right now when the kitchen grout needs its 500th treatment of hydrogen peroxide?” At 5am? Really, Sofia, really?
And its a ridiculous amount of ducks that take up a ridiculous amount of time! But knowing how ridiculous it is doesn’t stop the urges. And it drives me insane because I sincerely and desperately would love to be back in that mental space where 5am means I’m on my way out for my morning run. And being spontaneous is not something that I need to schedule into my day. And tranquility and simplicity is at my core rather than obsession and compulsion.
I know that I don’t have to wait until the first of the month or a Sunday to get started. And I know that I don’t have to do my entire Hour of Power to make it count. I know that if I go at 5:03 am instead of 5am sharp its still ok to go; that if I simply started going for morning walks around the lake, I’d be well on my way to getting out of this funk. I know this. But like I said, for me, knowing isn’t half the battle, OCD is.