Not a single day has passed this week where I didn’t cry at least once. And I’m not talking about shedding a tear or two or even ten. No, I’m talking about sitting on top of the washing machine for an hour, willing the tears to just stop already, wishing for the sorrow to subside, to absolutely no avail.
I am depressed.
And I just keep telling myself that its the hormones and that it’ll all be better in a few more weeks. If I can just get through one more day, one more week, things will get better soon enough.
But things aren’t getting any better. And I’m still sane enough to know that I can’t allow this to go unchecked any longer. I know I need to reach out for help.
So I gathered the courage to finally confide my thoughts today. I was optimistic that I would receive attention, sensitivity, patience, support, and understanding. I thought I would walk away feeling hopeful and loved.
But instead, I still feel unloved and unimportant. Whats worse, I now feel rejected too.
Have you ever needed help and asked for it, only to feel like the very fact that you needed help was an inconvenience? That’s how I feel. I feel like my emotions, my resentments, my mere existence is an annoyance…
a nuisance is what I am
It was a mistake, to open up the way I did. I went against what I knew I should have been doing, what I had been trying to do. I should have kept it to myself, but I gave the benefit of the doubt. It was a mistake, one I will not make again. The message is loud and clear now. This burden is mine to bear alone.
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
Next Comments →
I understand how you’re feeling, and I’m not going to tell you that you’re wrong. But just remember, it becomes a fine line between protecting your emotions and hardening your heart completely. Don’t let this harden you forever. You have too big of a heart to let that happen.
You are absolutely right, as usual. There’s always that moment when I’m upset that I can feel myself going in that direction. Shutting people out is always easier for me than letting them in. I need to work on that.
I have definitely felt this way. In my mind it’s about finding the right connections; the right place to ask for help. I know that asking for help when you finally recognise that you need it can be a perilous thing, but the right avenue may yet present itself. You only ever have to make it through one single day at a time.
Thank you for taking the time to share this here. It is always comforting to know that there is another soul that has been through a similar emotion. That is exactly how I felt – like it was perilous! But I know that hormones cant be trusted to be rational. One day at a time, I do tell myself, and that it will soon pass…
You shouldn’t have to go through this alone. Email if you want to chat. I know we dont know each other but maybe just talking to someone will help alittle. *hugs*
Thank you so much Amanda. I emailed you…
I think the best thing to do is open up and talk to people as much as you can. Hang in there and remember there are always people here for you.
Tania, its so much easier said, know what I mean? I know that I’m probably overreacting to everything right now. I know I’m a lot more sensitive and that I’m probably irrational, but sometimes its just easier to withdraw & retreat. I’m sure its difficult for people to know what to say or do for me; I dont want them to feel like they have to walk on eggshells but thats where I’m headed!
I know what you mean. I myself tend to keep things in and don’t always share with people my true feelings. But it’s definately easier to tell people to open up even though I don’t always listen to my own advice. I hope you’re doing better and I’m thinking of you!
Big hugs!
Tania, thank you so much for saying this… it truly helps to just hear it…
Sofia,
No matter what I say will not help you but I do know that you are a brave person to even admit all these things. Please don’t sit in the same place when you feel the pain. Keep doing something and try to come out of that gyre. It is better said than done but nothing is impossible, Sofia.
Big hugs and much love.
Joy in abundance,
Susan
Susan, thank you for the kind advice. I know, my mother used to encourage me to get up and just vacuum or dust the frames, anything to get my mind off things. But for me, its a choice between OCDing or not OCDing and sometimes I cant figure out which is the lesser of two evils. But that is a whole other issue that is way too involved to explain here. Ugh!
Susan, Thank you so much, for always having something encouraging and supportive to say. I know you are right, but for me, its either give into the ocd or resist the urges. Sitting is me resisting, ocd-ing is me trying to get my mind off of things. I don’t know which is the better of 2 evils sometimes. Does that make sense?
Next Comments →
{ 1 trackback }