“If one more person tells me to relax, I’m going to scream!”
His response? That look – raised eyebrows and lips shaped in a way that’s meant to say “we can’t all be wrong… maybe you ought to listen”.
I know, I know, I get it. The problem is that I don’t know how to relax. Anyone who knows me, even just a little, knows that I literally do not know how to relax, yet that is exactly what they’re all prescribing. And its not like I don’t want to, or try to heed their advice. I do. Not successfully, but I do.
I thought that finally being able to bring baby girl home from the hospital would alleviate my stress. And it did. Temporarily. It felt good to be home, to have her there with all of us. But the very first morning I woke up at home, I couldn’t move my head or neck, and I was in excruciating pain (and I have a very high pain tolerance). I woke up that way for 12 days straight, with a throbbing that radiated throughout my head, neck & shoulder, before I finally felt some relief. It actually got to the point where I wondered if it was a brain tumor or something in that vein. My chiropractor assured me my brain was fine. It was my disposition that needed work.
So for the first 2 weeks of having her home, after her extended NICU stay, I was in constant pain. I had to take motrin just to ease the intensity of it enough to be able to function. And if you know me, even just a little, you know I despise taking meds of any sort, especially when I’m pregnant or nursing. So that only exacerbated the guilt I was already carrying around.
All that guilt just kept gnawing at me all. the. time… and it still does.
And of course I woke up everyday thinking about how I’m responsible for my children’s education, the house, the kids, the pile of paperwork on my desk with its due dates & deadlines… and Papa was sleeping all day and expecting me to be able to relax? I woke up thinking about all the things I had to do, the things that Papa wasn’t doing, and who I’d have to delegate those things to. Everyone says “ask for help” but I did ask for help! I asked for help with homeschooling with “I set up these binders with 4 weeks worth of work for each of the kids, for when I have the baby, all you have to do is facilitate”, to no avail. I asked for help with “kids, please do your morning routines and chores”, to no avail.
From oldest to youngest, they all tell me “I don’t have time”. Nothing pisses me off more than those words, especially when I know the kids had time to watch tv or play on the wii, and Papa spent the day sucked into the vortex of the computer again! I can not tell you how fast my blood boils when I walk into the room and I see the facebook logo on the corner of his screen! Grrr! That or huffington post. I feel like taking it right off his lap and tossing it out the damn window! Argh!
And no, I am not being unreasonable. This I know like I know like I know. I have been more than fair and more than patient. And I have soooooo had it! “We” made a decision that “we” would homeschool so if he has time to waste on the web, he has time to teach his kids! And I am done talking, begging, pleading, crying, screaming, and fighting with him to participate. I am done! I quit!
I don’t think he understands that the weight of being the one responsible for our children’s education is heavy enough, let alone the task of carrying it out.
I wake up feeling unloved, unappreciated, lonely, and increasingly resentful. Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself but I feel like “I just had a baby, I’m exhausted, and I’m in constant pain right now. WTF?!!?” I feel like I’m taking crazy pills over here!
So if one more person tells me to relax, I’m going to scream!!!
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Next Comments →
Oh, hun! Big virtual hugs coming your way!!
It’s soooo over-whelming. I don’t even know how I would add school on top of everything else. Really.
Lady Estrogen recently posted..3 Lies & A Good bye
Thank you for the virtual hugs, feeling the love for sure. It just helps to get it off my chest, takes some of the weight off.
a friend once told me something i have never forgotten: ‘your worry does not accomplish anything.’ so simple, but true…i can lie awake all night fretting and stewing over some big or small concern, but that is just wasted time…i have learned to pray, to give the Lord my concerns (most of the time) and i also keep pen and paper by my bed, so that instead of worrying that i’ll forget to do a certain thing, i can just sit up, write it down and go to sleep…i know my words to not assuage your own fears, but i do hope that you are able to get some rest from all these burdens soon.
blessings,
alison
stuff and nonsense
alison recently posted..frugal finds
Alison, thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful comment here. Its so very true that worrying does not accomplish anything. Its totally counterproductive but I have ever ever been able to turn my mind off. My mind is always going, even before I wake up in the morning, hence “Sofia’s Ideas”. The only thing that counteracts the worrying is replacing those thoughts with thoughts of gratitude. I write gratitudes in my journal everyday and as a family, we verbalize our gratitudes during dinner.
When you write your worries down, does it really help you sleep? That never works for me, although I haven’t tried that in several years. Maybe its time to revisit it. Thanks so much!
so YEAH, I think we married twins or something! My hubby does the same thing and it drives me nuts. But I try real hard to concentrate on all the things he does right and how I probably drive him nuts too and I grit my teeth and charge on, sometimes. Sometimes I scream and yell too!
Sarah, lol! Well, I feel for you but at the same time, its good to know I’m not the only one that goes bonkers about it!
I know how infuriating it is to be told time and time again to “just relax”. Some people just aren’t wired that way, and relaxing is nearly impossible. You have the weight of the world on you right now and from the sounds of things, you certainly aren’t getting the help and support you need (and deserve!) from anyone. Scream if you need to. Just make it loud enough to be heard over FB/Wii/TV : )
Danielle, you so get me!!! I think its hard for people to understand how anyone wouldn’t know HOW to relax. To them, its like “duh, you just relax”. OK, but HOW? I don’t know how to turn my incessant chattering brain off. Trying to meditate just makes the chatter louder, know what I mean? Plus, you know that there are too many ducks for me to line up before I can schedule “relax” into my day. I mean, how could I possibly make time to relax when the bathroom grout still needs my attention?
UGH! I’d like to request a lobotomy for Mother’s Day please. :{
Seems like a lot of your stress could be taken care of by sending the kids to public school. It’s worked for tons of kids for centuries, so it can’t be that bad.
And if you want to get rid of more stress, kick Papa to the curb!
Eva, thats very practical advice!
We tried public school for 10 years, and for 10 years I micromanaged their education. I never thought I’d homeschool, believe me. And although it is a huge responsibility, I know that for our children, its the best option, at least for now. We’ll continue to revisit other options and keep our minds open about it. Who knows what the future brings?
LOL! Papa loved that comment!
Next Comments →